What if Sanjeev Bhaskar was right and the monarchy was in fact Asian?

How would Kate have dealt with the horror of having an Asian mother-in-law over the course of the next seven months? .

With her admission into hospital due to acute morning sickness, the Asian mother-in-law would be rolling her eyes in apathy. Honestly, has that girl never heard of achar?.

Despite the fact that a new law will ensure that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's firstborn child will accede to the throne regardless of sex, there is no doubt a certain amount of pressure to produce a male heir.

According to Asian tradition, only a dutiful daughter-in-law will be granted a son.

Another way of determining a male birth is by placing a photo of the husband by the mother-to-be’s bedside. What X and Y chromosomes?

The Duchess will no doubt be given a list of what foods to avoid over the course of the pregnancy. Soft cheeses, pâté’s, alcohol etc.

This list, however, is referred to in an indelible manner by the Asian saas. Whilst DNA may play a certain role in the appearance of a new baby, certain food types can supersede genetics and result in a darker skinned baby being born.

For example, the intake of iron tablets, soy sauce, coffee and fizzy drinks, in particular coke. Although the ingestion of coke will also lead to the birth of a baby with excessive body hair. You have been warned.

In order to counter the above and cinch that fair skinned baby, drinking ample amounts of milk over the course of the pregnancy is a fool proof technique. And the consumption of green grapes and melon.

Yet milk has dual purposes. Drinking hot milk regularly with ghee melted into it during the final month of pregnancy will lubricate the birth canal paving way for an easy and smooth delivery. We’ll ignore the excess weight gain in the process. And the fact that this is not scientifically proven.

As every new mother knows, weight gain is an inevitable part of a pregnancy.

But for Kate the intense media scrutiny is unparalleled. Gisele Bundchen famously said “I think a lot of people get pregnant and decide they can turn into garbage disposals. I was mindful about what I ate, and I gained only 30 pounds.”

Although the supermodel went on to say that labour ”wasn’t painful, not even a little bit.” So much for mother’s unanimously supporting one another.

But weight gain comes on par with stretch marks. Doctor’s may well advise the use of oils and creams to prevent them. But the natural Asian remedy to alleviate the discomfort caused by stretch marks is to rub your husband’s worn underwear liberally on the affected area. Skid marks are not a prerequisite.

Along with the obsession over Kate’s now changing body shape, her sartorial choices will also be critically analysed.

To date she has not committed a fashion faux pas. Just a nude one.

As long she does not don the frumpy Laura Ashley maternity tents that were a firm favourite of Diana’s, she’ll be ok.

In an Asian household, the tent look is elevated to whole new strata.

The newly pregnant mother customarily adopts a demure stance by attempting to disguise the bump by liberally draping the scarf over it. Because otherwise the whole world will know that she has been rampant.

There are always those busybodies, those aunty types who will come out with comments such as ‘Well, it’s about time. I have been praying for you.’ The perfect retort, ‘Thank you. We’ve had so much fun trying.’