I am twenty. I am not a full time earner, heck I haven’t even graduated from university. Point is, I have every single illusion of life threatened. I feel like an adult, I feel responsible for my actions.

This scares me so much: not knowing. But then, how am I supposed to learn if not by making mistakes? This year has been the hardest year of my life. In a period of almost a year, I have cried more than the past years combined. Yup, a lot. I was away from home, to study.

Still am, just in a whole different situation now. Great, I am crying. I am just honestly grateful for where I am.

My parents, they have allowed me to go abroad, to live on my own, to be me. Or rather, to become me.

I thought life would be easy. It’s not. I like a guy, I do not know how to tell him. I think it’s mutual- he pays attention to things no one does. Ever.

You know how your face changes when you are annoyed? That small crease between your eyebrows? The twinkle in your eyes when you are happy, happier than usual? The pause you make when you are about to deliver a corny joke?

He knows it all, he made me notice them. I like him (yup totally wrote love and then scratched it to like). He’s a douche.

He challenges everything I say, we like arguing, people point out we are always talking- fighting, no we’re not! He’s different.

He’s that dreamy illusion I am scared to venture in. AREN’T BOYS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP? I know, it’s a feminist world and I can do just the same. I can’t. Excuse me for being a traditionalist. I like paying my own bills, I cannot take money from people, I appreciate doing my own things but I do thank a gentleman for opening my door.

My teacher, the loveliest down to earth woman, said fighting for gender equality is silly, how can women strive to be on the same level as men when we are so much higher up? Women are delicate, they need attention, they are the bosses, they are IT.

Why strive for equality when we like our doors to be opened, when we like being treated special? Honestly, this changed my entire perspective.