What do you start with this fine specimen of a human being?

In the beginning it is all ‘salaam this’ and ‘Mashallah that’ but then a holiday can do strange things to the best of us.

Before we go on, let me clear things up here before I get accused of using the word ‘Muslim’. He is a Muslim. And a ****head at that.

At the airport he downs a few spirits and is jovial is nothing else.

What I have learnt through many years of experience is this undeniable fact - brothers can’t take their drink. They are just really bad at handling the booze and it shows up big time.

Much of it has got to do with binge drinking and wanting to get as smashed as quick as possible.

The weird thing this is, he is visiting a Muslim country so that he can eat the halal food but on the way he is going to make everyone’ else’s life hell.

As flight time arrives it is obvious the brother is in no fit state to fly but manages to get himself seated alongside his sober mates.

Unbeknown to us he has already mixed some vodka with some coke and then continues to drink as the plane takes off.

Once in the air Muslim ****head comes into his own.

He begins by talking loudly and then making jokes with the cabin crew. When he does not get his own way he proceeds to mumble in his native language.

His mates are a little embarrassed but you can’t really say anything to them as they will then defend the muppet to their last breadth.

He then starts to argue with the cabin crew about wanting some more drink and is told that he has certainly had enough.

For a few minutes there is silence and then he begins to say ‘aaaaaah’ and ‘yaaraaah’ for no reason whatsoever. The depression faze moves in next and he recounts having his heart broken by a Shiela Shanee back when he wasn’t such a **** in college.

He is told to shut up a few times but takes it personally and mentions that the other passenger might be racist or ‘hate Muslims’.

He is then helped to the toilets so he can throw up.

The philosophical part normally happens mid-way through the flight when the group notice someone from the Middle East and talk about the injustices being felt by the Muslim brothers across the world.

Disembarking everyone can’t wait to get off and get as far away as possible from this brother.

Months later you spot the fellow in a heated argument in a takeaway over whether it is ‘permissible’ to eat stunned meat. Yes, stunned meat – that’s the least of your problems bro.