There is a time and a place for everything but this my friends is not it.

When someone dies people tend to go to the bereaved person’s house to sit and this commonly called a ‘poori’. Now, on the whole most people are quite respectful but others, well…just take the p***.

Let’s be honest I think some folk just wait for a gathering to take place so they can have a laugh and joke with people. They are almost glad someone has died!

They saunter in and sit down and do the customary prayers and wait for someone to talk…then they are off…politics, money and football…this lonely guy is now in his element.

I’m sorry to say this is a Pakistani thing - go to Indian household and no-one says a word.. We can’t sit still for more than ten minutes before jabbering on about something or ridiculing someone else.

The resident story-teller decides to share his take on current affairs by telling everyone conspiracy theories and rubbish he heard from another guy. And because we were all brought up to respect everyone we sit there and nod appreciatively.

Another guy will time his visit to coincide with the food being served. Hey, I’m saying it because we know it is done. He visits just after 1.30pm and then around sevenish because that’s when the bhotee and rotees are coming out. I can see feeding people who travelled from the next village, I mean town but why feed folk who only live round the corner? And why do some of us take advantage of this?

He will then purposely stick around till about nine and when offered tea pretends he didn’t really want it but what the hell. Lying c***.

We also have the gentleman who is constantly on his phone through the whole sitting. He even does that demeaning thing where he performs dua (pray) with one hand and is on the phone with the other. That is one hell of an important phone call.

Then we have the fellow who makes a grand entrance to the poori and must shake every single hand in the room. Sits for ten minutes and then shakes every single hand again on his way out. Come on!

The ‘I don’t speak Punjabi’ guy is ridiculed by other people and then has issues sitting on the floor and must find a way of doing so without getting cramp.

We also have the situation where the guy comes into the poori but has no idea who to pay his respects to. He looks around tentatively, doesn’t recognise anyone and then has to figure out who the the nearest and dearest is. Is there ever a worse situation to be in?