Ahead of the Christmas period let’s clear some things up. Either we are all Christmassy or we aren’t.

We have two types of people…those who think it is haram and those who go out of their way to tell others how much they just ‘lurve’ Christmas. Let me say something that has been a long time coming…you are both a bunch of p*****s.

First of all, we have the crew that go around saying everything single little thing is haram. They see a tree and all hell breaks loose. They moan about the nativity play because it ‘might convert’ their precious kids and don’t ever mention anything about Santa Claus…ever. Santa is haram and even he knows it.

On Christmas Day itself they will find ways to make you feel guilty for staying at home in front of the TV.

‘Brother, we got a jaloos going on at the mosque...please join us.’ ‘Nah man I’m good…I have been working like a dog all week and me mum’s cooking a Christmas, I mean holiday…leg of lamb, aloo (potatoes) and greens.’ It is like they despise the very idea that it is Christmas and want to remind you every day how it is against their religion. Yeah, we know…we get it…it’s not something a ‘proper Muslim’ celebrates. But we are living in what is essentially a Christian country – Christmas is not going anywhere…just live with it.

Despite all of this there are the ones most likely to take advantage of the whole festive period. They are first with the Secret Santa presents, first to stock up on the Christmas deals and first in the queue at the Boxing Day sales The best lot are the cabbies who moan about Christmas being haram then make a killing for a week.

And then we have the people who can’t wait to get their Christmas jumper on to show everyone else how ‘integrated’ they are. You know with the Christmas tree, the Christmas halal turkey, the mince pies and the crackers. The whole shebang.

At work they are bopping around to the Christmas songs and making out they are ‘True Brits.’ One or two decide to go the whole hog and use the Christmas period to live out their dreams with the Famous Grouse.

It is as if they sense that by shouting about it they will somehow be accepted into a society that has no real use or need for them. Man, that’s deep even for a Last Bit.

They love Christmas more than Eid. Yeah, I said it.