You know it is a busy wedding when the brothers are standing behind the seat.

I have to say I miss ‘standing behind the seat’ weddings. It was one of life’s defining things in that it separated the kanjars from the shoday.

This strange phenomenon was something quite common at the weddings of yesterday but as we became a little more affluent and the round tables took off, the practice virtually disappeared.

Essentially this is what happened. The food was served and the first lot of guests managed to get their own seat. The first seating was very much like musical chairs and the big hitters managed to bag a seat.

As Asian men we wanted to eat and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible so we would do almost anything to get a seat.

Once seated we could relax for a while and we realised we were safe.

Unfortunately, the next lot could not wait until you got up so they would line up behind you.

For the man sitting down it was most annoying thing ever. He would be eating away and have this bloke stand behind him watching his every move.

I would take my time on purpose and when seated liked to make the guy behind really work for his seat. Just when he thought I had finished with the starters I would order another tray and really stretch out the main meal.

When the dessert arrived I ate in slow motion and just when he thought I might be getting up I would sit there and pick at my teeth with a match stick. This, my friends, was important so as to teach the guy a valuable lesson.

There is nothing worse than one Asian finding himself in a more important position than another Asian. We want that other person to know who is the boss. We want him to beg.

If I ever found myself stood behind a seat I would endeavor to make the guy’s life hell. For a short period of time I would lean against his seat and sigh at regular intervals.

As he ate I would rock back and forth and then try to strike up a conversation with his neighbour.

If he was eating slowly I would would lean over and help the waiters serve the food. It was necessary to remind him that there was a queue here and he needed to eat fast and get the **** out. ****.