What will all the Asians do if they close the libraries? Nothing bro. Nothing.

One day the library excuse was going to be exposed and I’m sorry but I couldn’t help myself. If there was ever a place that typifies our whole culture...it has got to be the library.

In the beginning when you wanted to meet someone you did it at the library. It was the safest place on the planet.

Your parents were none the wiser. Who could say anything against the library? Well, you couldn’t really.

The best thing about the library was that it was not frequented by the ‘other’ people. The respectable folk met here. Where else could a couple have a simple conversation without people thinking they were boyfriend and girlfriend?

‘What you talking to that kuree for puttar?’ ‘Homework dad.’ Soon enough the secret leaked out and nosey uncles and aunties began to wander into libraries to see why it was so popular. But what did they find?

They found people studying and hard at work. The beauty about the library was you could go into ‘stealth’ mode within seconds of spotting anyone you know.

Oh yes, stealth mode...the moment when two people are having a conversation and then all of a sudden they pretend they don’t know one another.

Even if grandads came in to read the Daily Jang you could simply pretend one was reading a book.

As one generation handed over the reins to another, each and every one respected the unwritten rules. Number 1: Get to know the staff; 2: Don’t be talking too much in the quiet section and number 3: Respect the library and it will respect you back and give you years of bonafide excuses.

But Asians being Asians decided to ignore the rules. Every so often the ‘in-breds’ would make an appearance. They would ignore the golden rules and start canoodling in the corners.

Or talking loudly and saying ‘innit’ after ‘kasam’. There was nothing more embarrassing than seeing a couple frog-marched from the building.

Normality soon resumed until the mature couple ruined it for everyone. Brother turns up in shalwar kameez and takes a gander around the classical section. Soon after he is joined by masala massi.

What happened next is not for these pages people. Keeping it clean bro.