I’m slowly recovering from what feels like weeks of oncology appointments and I feel like I finally have some breathing space.
Most of my friends are preparing for national track championships in Manchester this weekend in the velodrome or other sporting events that will see them build towards Paris.
But I find myself just sitting breathing.
It feels like I haven’t been able to stop and just breathe for weeks now – and the balance of my life lies in the next decision I will make regarding my treatment.
Now my final oncology appointment is done, I’ve decided to head back to Jamaica for a month of intense rehabilitation and training.
I plan to train in my usual locations but this time I am also going to add something extra which has been inspired by watching my friend Yohan Blake train over the last few months as he prepares to reach the Olympic final this summer in Paris.
Just before I left Jamaica last year I noticed a new gym pop up that has been run by someone who moved from London after doing a Masters in strength and conditioning.
I just know it’s exactly what my mind and body needs right now to prepare for radiation.
I also feel the sun will help me recover from this last surgery.
My body has gone through a lot in the last few months and I know the sun and the warmth will be kind and help me heal.
It always amazes me what we are capable of as human beings when we have a clear goal and we understand why we are doing it. It’s what has kept me alive and what drives me now.
Another reason for this trip is to be surrounded by athletes and to pull strength from them.
I have just finished reading about a young British ski racer who competed in the recent world junior championships but only a year ago was lying in an Austrian hospital with a fractured vertebrae in her neck and back, broken arm, ribs and shoulder.
Her name is Olivia Howeson, she’s only 17, and she proves that with perseverance you can go from a hospital bed to world championships start line. Now I am not aiming for a world championship start line, but I have re-framed my constant hospital visits in the context of sport to help me mentally find meaning in the suffering.
I have leaned into Olivia’s mind set on persevering to see a goal through. There is something we can all take from her story – she’s another person who shows me that with the right mind set and environment I can make the most of my time alive.
Like my friends who all want to reach Paris, my clear goal is simply to stay alive and I think that’s worth persevering for.
I hope when I return from this four-week camp I am in a position to give the green light on what type of radiotherapy I am going to go for. Having this option does make me feel incredibly blessed as I know from the data that many people in the UK are not receiving cancer treatments.
But even knowing when I am blessed, it still hits me emotionally and psychologically hard to know that this treatment may be my last.
From there on in it will be surgery that will keep me alive.
That’s why it’s so important I stay strong.
I also want to go back to the Alps this year and ski, and I figure if I can get stronger maybe I can venture onto the blue runs and push myself more.
I have been craving the feeling of skiing ever since I experienced it a few months ago and, as our winter in Scotland is struggling, the lure of the French Alps is also providing great motivation for what I plan in Jamaica.
I have sketched a training program that will see me train approximately five hours every day on a variety of strength, cardio and specific rehabilitation exercises.
It’s all in the hope that when I get home I can both hit the slopes and, more importantly, be strong going into radiotherapy.
I know the next steps are going to be challenging, but with the same mind set as those who will head to Paris this summer I travel in hope.
If all goes well, I plan to be stood on top of a mountain peak soon after the treatment is complete.
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