I was hoping the last week of the year would resemble how I brought an end to 2022.
Strong, healthy and ready for a year of sport.
If you have taken a look on social media recently you may have noticed many people posting a recap of their 2023.
Since my online feeds are all made of sportsmen and women, I always get a great glimpse into the lives of friends and athletes whom I follow as they relived the past 12 months.
This obviously causes a few different emotions. On the one hand, it fills me with pride – yet I also have an empty feeling.
I’m sitting here in pain levels that come and go. When the pain hits it’s as if someone is putting needles with electric shocks into my bones – and trust me that hurts.
Wanting to avoid any drug options, I have chosen to ride the pain. The root of the pain can’t be cured and drugs would only mask the cause.
To understand the pain I read through my last scan results. C5 cyst, C4 tumour and fluid going up to C1, and a lot of general damage from the constant surgeries.
This gives me an understanding of the pain – but the frustrating part is this pain is only on my paralysed side and that’s a result of 2016 and the mistakes I believe were made in that surgery.
Sitting braced for the next bout of pain, I reflect on my own 2023.
If am measuring my life on experiences rather than time then I lived many lives in 2023 – but I wish I was not spending the final week in so much pain.
This week has been the hardest post-surgery and it makes me think how much pain my hospital friend Roberto must have been in to choose to no longer live.
My pain has meant all week has been spent under a duvet with a hot water bottle trying to escape the horrendous pain. But not once have I thought, “I can’t go on.”
For that I feel blessed but also sad for the amount of pain Roberto must have felt.
As my scans read partial removal, I also know that time will not be on my side.
With that in mind, I am keen to get out of my flat and move again – I just need to balance that with letting my body recover from this last surgery.
Recovering from surgery in many ways requires a similar mindset to my friends who are going into the 2024 Olympic year. While they might be rewarded with a medal, I will hopefully be rewarded with life.
The end results differ but the approach mentally is similar – the values of discipline and persistence which are key to get through those hard sessions during the winter months. During my time with British Rowing we said that medals were won in the winter and collected in the summer.
This philosophy gives me a slight respite from the pain in my paralysed arm – if I can get through these winter months summer could reward me with some incredible experiences on the bike pain-free.
I also know that 2024 for me will involve plenty of visits to hospitals for scans and potential clinical trials or new methods that I want to explore.
Knowing that another surgery might be soon makes this current phase of rehabilitation extremely difficult. I must admit that some days it is very difficult to stay motivated.
I keep searching for progress and to build a level of strength so I can live the best life I can between every hospital appointment, and I was reminded this week why it’s important that we show up every day and never give up on our passions and goals.
This reminder came via a reader of my column who kindly sent me a beautiful quote from Pablo Casals when he was asked why, at 93, he continued to practice his cello for three hours a day.
He replied: “I think I’ve begun to notice an improvement.”
I wish each of you a blessed New Year and I hope when I write next I am in less pain and those improvements I’m looking for are starting to arrive.
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