Inert response

“MISTAKES, we’ve made a few…” that’s the tearful tune certain politicians will be warbling in woe this weekend. Either that, or the likes of Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinson will be blaming the media for their precipitous fall from grace. (In Diary Corner we view blaming the media as the new version of: “It wisnae me! A big boy done it an’ ran away…”) Of course, everybody makes mistakes. Even Diary readers. With that in mind we’ve decided to look back at a few classic stories from our archive, focusing on mistakes big and small. For instance, there was the schoolchild who was asked by a science teacher to explain what was inertia. Came the reply: “Troon and Prestwick.”

Hoodwinked by song

A BRIDE-TO-BE, after much thought, chose to proceed to the alter to the tune from the film Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. This tune, which you have probably heard many times, is the romantic Everything I Do, I Do It For You by Bryan Adams. The person in charge of the wedding music, being of a different generation, got it slightly wrong. The bride was not impressed to be confronted by the strains of an earlier hit (Gary Miller, circa 1956) with the stirring but decidedly unromantic lyrics: “Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen…”

Slope-off Saturday

SADLY the state of wedded bliss can also turn out to be a mistake, leading to painful regrets. A reader once overheard a woman complaining long and loud to her female friend about her marriage. Trying to be supportive, her pal said: “Yes, I suppose the magic just isn’t there after a while,” to which her dispirited friend snapped back: “Oh, there’s still magic. Every Saturday night he disappears.”

Bungling boffin

A PROFESSOR of neurosurgery at Glasgow University was booked to give a talk to staff and clients at a day centre in Shettleston on the topic of memory loss and lack of concentration. He failed to turn up because he had forgotten to put the engagement in the diary.

Iron man

Here's a great story former Diarist Ken Smith gleaned from social media, and that we in turn gleaned from his new book, The Herald Diary: A Quacking Good Read. (Go on, buy one if you haven’t already. It’s got less punches that the latest Lee Child thriller, but more punchlines.) Ken relates an internet conversation where people were discussing the most embarrassing ways they had hurt themselves. One boneheaded bloke piped up: “Broke four ribs while ironing the curtains.” Which at first might seem a mysterious way to get injured, until the bloke added: “They were still hanging, and it was 3am, and I was drunk, so it was mostly on me.”

Load of old ‘tosh

A GLASGOW musician once told us he found a pair of tarnished candlesticks in a bin in Dennistoun. He gave them as a present to a pal. Later he went to visit this pal in his new, and very splendid, country retreat. “It’s all thanks to you,” explained the pal. “Those candlesticks were Charles Rennie Mackintosh and became very valuable. In fact, we bought this house with the money they fetched.”

Salad days

WE end our run of stories about inglorious mistakes with a tale of mistaken identity, told to us by reader Stanley Miller. “I met this girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me,” says Stan, before adding: “But I never met herbivore.”