Gone are the days when people moaned about seeing a fellow brother naked.

You know, getting changed in front of someone was a huge ‘no-no’. That’s why we never had any showers after a football match in school. It was just not on.

We would rather have gone home full of mud than be seen with our chuddies (underwear) on in a public place.

That is also why you will never see us using a urinal. We only use cubicles. It is a hard and fast rule that kept us apart from the haramee junglees of this world.

But those innocent days have gone…now it is a free for all.

We are coming out in a big way and there is nothing you can do about it.

Going to a sauna should be a relaxing experience but it isn’t since we decided to take it over.

Yes, we all smell the same, we all sweat the same and we spit when we shouldn’t but something is just not right about sitting next to Abdul in a sauna or meeting him in a swimming pool.

It all begins badly when the brother turns up for a swim with his full kit on only to be told that one can’t get in the pool wearing trackies. I personally do not agree with this nonsense rule but it is what it is.

And what is it about wanting to shake your hand? Why do we think we should always shake a hand even when the circumstances do not warrant it?

This he proceeds to do after I just spotted him in the shower cleaning his nether region with the very same chubby fingers. I have to shake his hand because not to do so would be deemed extremely rude.

Or would it? Dare I keep him hanging? Should I just pretend I didn’t see his outstretched hand?

Look, I want to be polite and well mannered and follow me religion an all that but please do not grind out belly button fluff with your index finger and hold out your hand hoping I will do ‘salaam’ in the shower.

I should also think removing dead skin from your arms, picking at the dirt between the toes and putting Vaseline all over your stomach should be banned.

We also have the fellow who likes to make noises when he is having a shower. He has not been for a workout but seems to think that sitting in a sauna is itself exercise. It isn’t. It is hot but not exercise son.

To top it all off we have baadshah (king) who uses both his fingers to remove all the gunge from his nasal passages and flick it all on to the tiles on the way out. A true gentleman if there ever was one.