The days of the traditional wedding have gone my friend. What was once something we all looked forward to is something we hate with a vengeance. The reason is simple...we Asians blinged the **** out of it.

As soon as the waiters moved in and took over the responsibility of serving the food the Asian wedding was as good as dead.

There was no respect you see.

Life may have been miserable but if there was one thing we did better than the next man was...serve food.

Serving the food meant something. It separated the men from the boys, the boys from the girls...and the girls from the women.

You turned up and you were given a responsibility. The food was different. It was fresh. The chicken was something else.

The rice had that kick to it. The curry was in a league of its own cooked by a professional.

The problem now is, wedding food is no different to the restaurant food we eat anyway. It’s all the same 'industrialised' stuff. They herd us into the barns like cattle and we gorge ourselves on the troughs. It may be a different venue but it is the same guests dressed in Next suits and sheela shaanee heels. You go from one wedding to the next and the stage is bling, the car is bling and the clothes are bling. And do you know the worst thing? You can’t please anyone anymore. The family may have gone out of their way and spent thousands to impress us but we Asians are so spoiled.

We want nothing else than to pick out minor points about how the day could have been better. How the groom was getting bald. How the rotee nearly ran out. How the parking was **** at the venue. How the mum wore the same clothes as her sister. How the starters were slightly cold. How the tea was served late. How there was a queue at the toilet. How the wedding was delayed. How there was nowhere to pray. How the cousins kept looking at us. How the stage was ‘nothing special’.

A wise wedding organiser once said: “Don’t treat the masses like humans treat them like dogs.......they are much more likely to respect you.”

And how right he was.