Gonna find me a rishta soon and get meself married off.

Why oh why did we ruin the arranged marriage? It was such a fantastic concept for the brothers. We could end up with a beautiful wife and become the envy of everyone.

But then the ‘moderns’ had to balls it all up for the brothers. Remember the days when the man was in charge of the whole rishta thing. He would take his pick from the list of potential wives. He was the king of the castle.

When he hit a certain age he had a choice. Even if he looked like a cross between a monkey and a rhino the brother was a real pick.

Don’t be cruel they say personality counts you know.

Let us say it loud and say it proud it was the only way some of us were going to get married. You know it bro.

‘Love’...what has love got to do with it?

The big problem is now the women are too intelligent and they want to marry men who don’t just happen to be the opposite gender. The ladies got wise man and ended up ‘choosing’ who to wed and then we was all like... ‘What the hell just happened man?’ How’s two chin Abdul going to get married now?

Hey, I’m all for choice but you have to admit it works both ways.

But like this complicated thing we call pyaar everything comes full circle. The brother gets an arranged marriage and then when he hits forty he thinks he’s some sort of Don Juan DeMarco.

Suddenly, he thinks he got a raw deal! Yes, now he wants to pretend he’s in ‘love’ now.

Double jawanee (youth) it is called. One minute he pushing a shopping trolley round Tesco in his shalwar kameez and the next minute he thinks he’s Barlas Bond.

As soon as Ramadan's over he's on the first plane out.

Sort your head out you thick piece of unwanted Mango skin.

And then they come and sit with you and tell you how life has been unfair to them because and they should have been allowed to marry someone else.

Yeah, as if you ever had a choice boy.

Look, we didn’t want to hear 20 years ago and we don’t want to hear it now. Keep your double jawanee to yourself.