We are being spied upon and I have proof. I thought I would never say this but there are spies everywhere.

I never subscribed to conspiracy theories but I find myself in a strange torment.

I am beginning to believe the ‘one eye' theorist; I am beginning to believe there are agents everywhere.

I saw one in the park the other day and when I approached, it disappeared into the bushes. I spent ten minutes looking in vain – there was no sign.

Only last Friday I saw one innocently busying herself on the pavement. I hid my face behind my white mosque hat and walked inconspicuously by.

I have often seen them perched on my garden wall looking in.

Who are these agents, dear readers?

Hens. That’s right, you read it correctly. Believe me. You laugh. Let’s look at facts: they are everywhere in our neighbourhoods.

Do you see them in white areas? Did you see them around three years ago?

This egg laying business and innocently following you around is all a charade. You are being watched. Make no mistake.

Those beady eyes and the 360 rotation of the neck. You’d better believe it and the clucking clucking is obviously a coded message to fellow spies and the occasional flurrying of wings – all clearing the cooling system. You cannot kid me.

Hen houses? Servers connected directly to the NSA. What are those uniformed guys doing to the green boxes on the street corners? BT engineers! Phah!

So, dear friend, the quaint old memories of the village are being psychologically used to glean information.

‘Ah, I am back in the village. All I need now is to hear the soft tinkling of the buffalo neck bell’ – the feeling you get in the morning when you wake up with the cockerel crowing and the hens clucking is nothing to be complacent about. I think what is needed is a good citizen to take photographs of all the chickens in our streets, gardens and parks and email them to Liberty.

Perhaps we should have a ‘Hen Watch’ programme.

The only good chicken in my mind is one on the BBQ.

Next week: Buttercups? Flowers? Don’t be fooled – they are beaming energy back to the mother ship.