My real life 'fifty shades relationship' left me traumatised

An Asian woman involved in a real life ‘Fifty Shades of Grey' type relationship has spoken how she eventually broke free from the regimented and structured S&M relationship.

Seema, not her real name says her partner was still married but flew to the UK frequently from the US to indulge in his fetishes.

“I met him at a dinner party. He was very charming. He is a very successful businessman, 46-years-old. The type that commands authority by his mere presence.

“He introduced me to his wife, in fact. He was completely transparent about his life.

“He rang me soon after the dinner under the pretext of some potential work.

“It was over dinner that he began to open up about his life. He had an arranged marriage at the wish of his parents. He now has two children. He and his wife have a physical relationship, but a pretty basic one. Otherwise they live separate lives within their marriage.

“He told me that he had tried to engage her in his own interests early on, but she was of the opinion that what he wanted to do was ‘haram’ so he just stopped trying it with her”.

Naturally, Seema was curious as to what his ‘interests’ entailed.

“That was all he told me over dinner, but he said that he liked how open minded I was, that he hadn’t met a Pakistani woman like me before, and that he wanted to meet again to talk.”

It was in their second meeting when Seema was made aware of his lifestyle choices.

“He was really direct. We sat down, and he simply began where we left off the last time. No small talk.

“He told me that a big part of his life is S&M.

“He said that he was not suggesting anything at this stage, but he wanted me to read up about it before we met again.”

Seema said he wanted her to understand the relationship between the Master and the Slave.

“He explained that the slave has chosen to be the Submissive, therefore, she must do everything that is asked off her. That includes wearing outfits, role play, going to the gym, answering the phone immediately, and being available for phone sex whenever he demanded it, as he was abroad a lot.

Physical contact is not sometimes a necessity, and it can even be conducted anonymously over the telephone, email or other messaging systems.

Consent can be granted in many ways, including a written form known as a ‘negotiation form’, for others a simple verbal commitment is sufficient.

“I was completely shocked with what he said. I have had a few boyfriends, but nothing major. I was 32 and still not married.

“At first I thought he was just opening up about his life to me. It took me a while to realise he was inviting me into it.

“Another important part of his modus operandi was spanking. That was a huge fetish of his. He said that having vaginal sex was the biggest turn off for him. He said it repelled him.”

Seema says that his brash proclamations were his attempts to declare all the facts to her before she could make an informed decision about entering his life.

Despite all his stipulations, Seema’s biggest concern was the fact that he was married. She asked him how he could justify asking her to be the one that he cheats on his wife with.

“His response was simple. He told me he wanted me to fully understand what he was asking of me. And if I agreed to it, he wanted to cement it with a nikaah.

“He said adultery wasn’t something he would engage in with a Muslim woman. We would make it official. But under the understanding that the premise for the relationship was a hardcore S&M relationship.

“In his opinion, why should he have to restrict a lifestyle choice just because the woman his parents chose for him has no interest in it?

He told Seema that as far as he was concerned, he provided for his wife with everything she needed financially. Therefore, she has nothing to complain about.

“He did not feel the need to inform her that he wanted to get married again.”

Seema subsequently had a secret nikaah, where the witnesses were his confidantes. She could not tell her friends or family about the arrangement as she knew full well they would disapprove of her being a second wife.

“Throughout the one year marriage, he never once kissed me. He would come to the UK quite often to be with me.

“But whenever we were together, it was just purely the act. But I had no idea of the level of depravity and degradation that was involved.

“I had completely underestimated it all. At first it was exciting and weirdly romantic. But that slowly turned into something more aggressive. He would get angry if I didn’t answer my phone immediately. He hated the fact that I spoke to male colleagues.

“And the things he made me do when we were together. I would have to crawl on all fours, wear a dog collar. He would shout at me and say things to humiliate me.

“He told me I had to lose half a stone, as he didn’t feel I was thin enough. He even told me he would arrange for laser treatment on some scars I had on my legs.”

Even though Seema and her new husband lived in different countries, she reveals his behaviour grew increasingly intense and controlling.

“He said I was showing a rebellious streak because I would argue back with him.

“Sometimes I didn’t want to be forced to be sexual over the phone, just because he was in the mood. I didn’t want to have to text him a photo of which shop I was in when I was out shopping just to prove that I was actually there.

“I felt trapped and suffocated.

“He started saying things like I needed to be controlled properly, and that he wanted to have a baby with me to make sure I would never leave him.

“That was when I realised that I could not do a lifetime of this. It was apparent that he could."

She eventually told him that she wanted a divorce “The divorce happened quite quickly. It was pretty straightforward. He hasn’t made contact with me since and vice versa. I haven’t been involved with anybody since.

“That relationship has left me with a traumatic, psychological scar. I hope I can get married again. But for now, I am still trying to get over a relationship that I blame myself for.”