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He won't stand-up for me!
Dear Massi, I'm 28 and got married four years after I fell in love with a guy I worked with.
We went out and our parents blessed our marriage. I moved into my in-laws' house and after my father-in-law died the problems began.
It felt as if my mother-in-law didn't understand me and she didn't want me. And she didn't want me to have any interaction with my husband.
I thought this was a phase due to her bereavement.
But now my hubby won't talk to me in front of his mum.
When I was pregnant I didn't get any attention. He spent more time following his mum's orders.
I told him how I felt and said we should move out. He said he'd leave me if I moved out.
I can't stand his mum but I now have a beautiful baby girl.
How do I get my feelings across to him? His mum knows how to use him, I don't.
Annon
Massi says, Personally I think once a man is
married and has children they should be his first priority, not his mother.
A lot of the problem stems from men's childhood and their roles in the household as being the breadwinner for the whole family.
His mother seems to be using him as a substitute husband and it's difficult for him to refuse her, if not impossible.
But the change has to come from him because he has to see that he needs to put you and the baby first.
I am not saying abandon the mother because that would be wrong but
couples need their own space and time. Relationships are hard enough without interference from another party.
You have a few courses of action. You could give him an ultimatum, or get him on his own and explain how you feel about what your mother-in-law is doing or you can put up with it. Any one of these three will have some bad consequences but you have to decide what to do.
10:07am Friday 27th June 2008
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CommentPosted by: Massa on 6:55pm Sat 21 Jun 08
Massi...i disagree with your comment about wife and kids coming before your mother...your mother brought you up..carried you in your stomach for 9 months....woke up at 3am when you were scared at night..i could go on all day!! The fact is your mother comes first but that doesnt mean you abandon your wife
Massi...i disagree with your comment about wife and kids coming before your mother...your mother brought you up..carried you in your stomach for 9 months....woke up at 3am when you were scared at night..i could go on all day!! The fact is your mother comes first but that doesnt mean you abandon your wife
Posted by: Advice, b/burn on 7:15pm Sat 21 Jun 08
Sister, i can't imagine what ur going through - but the change ur mother is law is going through i can understand (my dad died when i was young - and im the only son) - mother in law lost a life partner, she only has the son to fall back on. Moving out is not the answer - all i suggest is - "sabar", all will become better, trust me i have had similar prob with my wife. Treat ur mother in law like ur own mum and she will find it hard to resent u. Inshallah all will be ok .. ameen
Sister, i can't imagine what ur going through - but the change ur mother is law is going through i can understand (my dad died when i was young - and im the only son) - mother in law lost a life partner, she only has the son to fall back on. Moving out is not the answer - all i suggest is - "sabar", all will become better, trust me i have had similar prob with my wife. Treat ur mother in law like ur own mum and she will find it hard to resent u. Inshallah all will be ok .. ameen
Posted by: more advice, bburn on 11:38am Wed 25 Jun 08
Yes, no doubt Mothers come first and the wife should not be abandoned either, In our Deen and our culture both have rights, The son is in a unique position to do islaah of both, with wisdom The Mother of course she is V,Important her feelings should never be hurt but it is possible as a human she can make an error in judgement, And to correct her or understand her the son needs to approach her with serenity dignity an adab and make his case heard. Similarly the wife has to be treated in the same way(remember the bent Rib). Althought the mother in this case has gone through bereavment and no doubt this will affect her, the wife too has gone through childbirth.... it is a sensitive household, and as someone said moving out is not the answer, the wife should think about her husbands responsibility, how would the wife feel if her mother was in that situation ?Sincere dua sabr and COMMUNICATION is the answer to your problems, try to identify the fear of your mother-in-law.
Yes, no doubt Mothers come first and the wife should not be abandoned either, In our Deen and our culture both have rights, The son is in a unique position to do islaah of both, with wisdom The Mother of course she is V,Important her feelings should never be hurt but it is possible as a human she can make an error in judgement, And to correct her or understand her the son needs to approach her with serenity dignity an adab and make his case heard. Similarly the wife has to be treated in the same way(remember the bent Rib). Althought the mother in this case has gone through bereavment and no doubt this will affect her, the wife too has gone through childbirth.... it is a sensitive household, and as someone said moving out is not the answer, the wife should think about her husbands responsibility, how would the wife feel if her mother was in that situation ?Sincere dua sabr and COMMUNICATION is the answer to your problems, try to identify the fear of your mother-in-law.
Posted by: A, Blackburn on 8:08pm Wed 25 Jun 08
MashAllah gud advice evry1!
MashAllah gud advice evry1!
Posted by: Zuly Shah, Colne on 11:32am Thu 26 Jun 08
This mother-in-law is either still in grief or she never wanted the marriage anyway or both.
We need counselling services for Asians including the elderly. Far too much baggage is kept bottled in our culture which is dominated by "unspoken codes".
This mother-in-law is either still in grief or she never wanted the marriage anyway or both.
We need counselling services for Asians including the elderly. Far too much baggage is kept bottled in our culture which is dominated by "unspoken codes".
Posted by: abidah, audley, bburn on 7:40pm Fri 4 Jul 08
HI. its me who wrote in with the problem. i understand that my mother-in-law is bereaved, but causing problems between husband and wife cannot be justified. she made things so difficult for that when i told everyone i wanted to move away-she was physical with me an i moved to my parents 4 a couple of months. my hubby decided to divorce me and gave me 2 talaaq. i'm back with him now, but always under the impression that he cud leave me if me and his mum ever disagree on something again. lifes not full of roses-i have most of my life ahead of me-i'm not happy, and i'm always scared he'll give me a last talaq-is this what a wife deserves-is this fairof my mother-in-law?
HI. its me who wrote in with the problem. i understand that my mother-in-law is bereaved, but causing problems between husband and wife cannot be justified. she made things so difficult for that when i told everyone i wanted to move away-she was physical with me an i moved to my parents 4 a couple of months. my hubby decided to divorce me and gave me 2 talaaq. i'm back with him now, but always under the impression that he cud leave me if me and his mum ever disagree on something again. lifes not full of roses-i have most of my life ahead of me-i'm not happy, and i'm always scared he'll give me a last talaq-is this what a wife deserves-is this fairof my mother-in-law?
Posted by: Zuly Shah, Colne on 5:50pm Mon 7 Jul 08
Salaams Abidah
Real sorry to hear of the problems. It looks like your husband is being manipulated big-time by his mother. The way you describe things is as if it is a matter of time before Talaq#3 is issued. Seems the best way forward is for you and your husband is to move out. Does your husband not have any siblings who could support your mother-in-law if you both were to move out? But it's easier said than done.
Anyway, he should start taking back the 2 Talaqs. The fact that you are back with him shows that the terms of Talaq#2 are now superfluous and that Talaq#2 should be rescinded ASAP. He cannot just keep it to show again on a "rainy day"!
Insha'Allah keep your patience. I do hope your own parents are doing some negotiation to help you through this predicament.
Salaams Abidah
Real sorry to hear of the problems. It looks like your husband is being manipulated big-time by his mother. The way you describe things is as if it is a matter of time before Talaq#3 is issued. Seems the best way forward is for you and your husband is to move out. Does your husband not have any siblings who could support your mother-in-law if you both were to move out? But it's easier said than done.
Anyway, he should start taking back the 2 Talaqs. The fact that you are back with him shows that the terms of Talaq#2 are now superfluous and that Talaq#2 should be rescinded ASAP. He cannot just keep it to show again on a "rainy day"!
Insha'Allah keep your patience. I do hope your own parents are doing some negotiation to help you through this predicament.
Posted by: Massi, Lancashire on 2:27pm Wed 9 Jul 08
It seems to me that you are being manipulated by your husband. You have rights in this relationship and need to assert them. He cannot just decide he wants Talaaq because he has legal obligations seeing that you are married in England.
I know this is hard but I think you need to get some independence in some form. My mother left her husband and she had three very young children. She found work and supported us all so it is not all doom and gloom. It was hard but she survived with the help of her friends and family.
If he is going to be sneaky I suggest you get some legal advice via the Citizens Advice Bureau over where you stand and they will also be able to help you find work / babysitting. Hope this helps and good luck.
It seems to me that you are being manipulated by your husband. You have rights in this relationship and need to assert them. He cannot just decide he wants Talaaq because he has legal obligations seeing that you are married in England.
I know this is hard but I think you need to get some independence in some form. My mother left her husband and she had three very young children. She found work and supported us all so it is not all doom and gloom. It was hard but she survived with the help of her friends and family.
If he is going to be sneaky I suggest you get some legal advice via the Citizens Advice Bureau over where you stand and they will also be able to help you find work / babysitting. Hope this helps and good luck.
Posted by: abidah, bburn on 3:36pm Wed 9 Jul 08
Hi, i'm really grateful for everyone's advice. Its so difficult, as my husband will not let me discuss my problems with my parents, oreven his family members. I felt that if i was patient, things wud get better, but at times i feel so low. I've recently been offered a job, so i'll be away from home-maybe being more independent will make my confidence come back and help me to be stronger. i'm a born and bred british girl, and i just can't believe how much my marriage has changed me. at times i admit that i have had good times and lets just hope i have more to come. pray for me everyone, may allah put us on the right path and help us live successful lives. THANKYOU EVERYONE, YOUR COMMENTS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED
Hi, i'm really grateful for everyone's advice. Its so difficult, as my husband will not let me discuss my problems with my parents, oreven his family members. I felt that if i was patient, things wud get better, but at times i feel so low. I've recently been offered a job, so i'll be away from home-maybe being more independent will make my confidence come back and help me to be stronger. i'm a born and bred british girl, and i just can't believe how much my marriage has changed me. at times i admit that i have had good times and lets just hope i have more to come. pray for me everyone, may allah put us on the right path and help us live successful lives. THANKYOU EVERYONE, YOUR COMMENTS ARE MUCH APPRECIATED
Posted by: Sara, Nelson on 7:59pm Wed 9 Jul 08
[bold]After readin ur story it brought tears 2 my eyes. Be patient and keep makin dua, u watch InshAllah Allah (swt) will help you. Remember [italic]"Verily after hardship comes ease"[/italic] (Quran 94:6)
In the Quran Allah says
[italic]"Invoke Me (ask me for anything) and i will respond to ur invocation.[/italic]
(Quran 40:60)
Right now im readin dis book called "Dont be Sad", by 'Aaidah ibn Abdullah al-Qarni' Its an absolute must-read for everyone. It exposes to the modern reader how Islam teaches us to deal with the tests and tribulations of this world. Thats where i read abt the 2 verses i just mentioned above.
U could try askin ur library, dey might hav it or u cud order the book online.
Hope dis helps![/bold]
After readin ur story it brought tears 2 my eyes. Be patient and keep makin dua, u watch InshAllah Allah (swt) will help you. Remember "Verily after hardship comes ease" (Quran 94:6)
In the Quran Allah says
"Invoke Me (ask me for anything) and i will respond to ur invocation.
(Quran 40:60)
Right now im readin dis book called "Dont be Sad", by 'Aaidah ibn Abdullah al-Qarni' Its an absolute must-read for everyone. It exposes to the modern reader how Islam teaches us to deal with the tests and tribulations of this world. Thats where i read abt the 2 verses i just mentioned above.
U could try askin ur library, dey might hav it or u cud order the book online.
Hope dis helps! Posted by: Aisha, Bradford on 8:47am Mon 21 Jul 08
Thanks Sara!
Iv just ordered the book now, cant wait 2 read it!
Thanks Sara!
Iv just ordered the book now, cant wait 2 read it!
Posted by: Amber, Manchester on 10:57pm Fri 22 Aug 08
Abidah you should let your family help out. If your husband has got brothers and sisters let them baby sit or let your mother in law baby sit your daughter.
And you and your husband should go out from the house where your Mother in law isnt there and resolve your differences.
Also you should plan some family days out you, your husband and your daughter. That way you can all bond as a family.
Abidah you should let your family help out. If your husband has got brothers and sisters let them baby sit or let your mother in law baby sit your daughter.
And you and your husband should go out from the house where your Mother in law isnt there and resolve your differences.
Also you should plan some family days out you, your husband and your daughter. That way you can all bond as a family.
Posted by: Qasim, Burnley on 6:07pm Tue 26 Aug 08
May Allah embrace patience within all our hearts, but we also need to remember the hadith of our beloved prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h)"heaven is beneath the foot of your mother" inshallah sister all will be well,make dua allways not just for you but for your mother in law also, and husband.
May Allah embrace patience within all our hearts, but we also need to remember the hadith of our beloved prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h)"heaven is beneath the foot of your mother" inshallah sister all will be well,make dua allways not just for you but for your mother in law also, and husband.
Posted by: Noni, Dewsbury on 4:10pm Tue 30 Sep 08
First of all sister, when yu and yur mother in law are alone try talkin to her as tho nothings happend. Make her spend more tym with your daughter. When most mothers get their sons married 2sum1 they love they start feelin insecure. But instead of tryin 2run away from it all try and connect with her. If u b extremely nice 2her as in giv her your daughter and tel her to luk after her whilst u do housewrk or somethin am sure she will think u dnt wnt her out and that u actually care about her. At the moment she is probably in the same position as u feelin insecure and your husband feels obliged as now his father has passd away n he feels he has more of a duty 2luk after his mother. Think bout it, his Jannah lays beneath her feet how can he put any1 before her?!
First of all sister, when yu and yur mother in law are alone try talkin to her as tho nothings happend. Make her spend more tym with your daughter. When most mothers get their sons married 2sum1 they love they start feelin insecure. But instead of tryin 2run away from it all try and connect with her. If u b extremely nice 2her as in giv her your daughter and tel her to luk after her whilst u do housewrk or somethin am sure she will think u dnt wnt her out and that u actually care about her. At the moment she is probably in the same position as u feelin insecure and your husband feels obliged as now his father has passd away n he feels he has more of a duty 2luk after his mother. Think bout it, his Jannah lays beneath her feet how can he put any1 before her?!
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