The Wedding Guest

3:57pm Saturday 10th May 2008

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Evil men will do evil things. Wedding guests go that one step further.

My days of being a wedding guest are numbered my dear friends but I am going to take full advantage for as long as I can.

As soon as I get that invitation card I swing into action. I love those folk who try to be a little clever and cross the family' bit out on the card. Hey, do you actually think people like me give a ****.

The whole family is coming and so are the neighbours and their cousins I met whilst on a PIA flight.

On the day itself I get to the wedding pretty early so as to ensure I get a seat on the first sitting. It is important to know where to sit. I sit near the serving area and put my coat on the seat next to me.

Now, most people are normal law-abiding human-beings but step into a wedding hall and we all become first-class t****.

Waiting for the food is the best bit and I soon start whispering to people about how poorly organised the event it is. And how I told them not to serve food on a round-table.

You can go to extreme lengths to make your table setting fabulous. But to be honest we couldn't care less. We want food and we want it now.

Put it in a trough if you have to and feed me like the animal I am...I don't care!!!

Reserved' signs? Are you joking love. I sometimes look into the eyes of the women organisers who tried their best to ensure everything was just perfect. Then the likes of me came and screwed everything up. You can see them going to complain to the head of the family and he just stays quiet. Pure bliss.

If the roast chicken pieces are not warm you boys are in trouble. Hey, what the hell is this?...bring me what you are serving the grooms work-mates. I bet they get special treatment with cushions to sit on!' The rotee (chapatti) better be warm too. The strange thing I am not even hungry but I just want to take the p*** out of the guys serving for a while.

At one point I pick the tray up and walk and get rice myself. This is the greatest shame I can bestow on anyone.

If I am really in the mood I take a while to eat my dessert. Oh..the beauty of knowing they can't clear the table until I get up.

And if somehow I arrive late I go and sit on a table which is empty. This kid comes up to me and asks me to politely move to another table which is half-full. I just ignore him and pretend I don't speak English.

As the day drags on my wife is going one step further. She's taken up a whole table and is barking orders at everyone and anyone. Make a scene baby..that's why I married you.

Oops nearly forgot to give you my wedding present...moments before I leave I start a rumour the rotee has finished....