Community Leader

7:24pm Sunday 30th March 2008

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I'm loving it and living it large. Things were never so hard though.

When I was the only go between the gora's and the brothers I was a somebody. Now, I have to be little more subtle.

In the olden days they couldn't care less. I had it all and I was the centre of attention wherever I went. It was due to pure laziness on their part I must say. The local authorities needed some consultation on a new policy. They called me in. I said... Yes no problem' and no-one batted an eyelid.

To be totally honest I was just happy to be helping out that's all.

Planning permission? I'm your man, Quote in the paper? Guess who knows everything, Need a brown face on your board? I'll get my coat.

I was content as long they massaged my ego and got my picture in the local rag every now and then. Hey, I was providing a much-needed service to the community. I led from the front you see.

It got quite ridiculous sometimes. I was hauled before national TV and ended up speaking for a town's whole population. Sometimes I said the right thing...sometimes I said the wrong thing - either way I got *******.

It wasn't my fault they seemed so desperate to have a brother on screen and I had to oblige.

However, the best time of year was election time. I was the most important person around. Everyone thought I held all these votes in the palm of my hand. I didn't they just thought I did...and that made me ever more powerful.

I soon morphed into this giant of a man who sat next to ministers and the likes. Who would have thought it? Little old me, next to the PM on prime time TV telling him what I thought of this thing called 'youtube.' The funny thing was when politicians spoke about reaching out to communities' and all that jargon they still called me up to help them do it. It was a vicious circle.

Years have passed and as I sit and wonder what might have been I realise I can still hold sway with a lot of fellas. Largely because they are just so ignorant and I make their job damn easy.

I got funding for a new group recently. It aims to encourage 'participation, cohesion, diversity and education amongst disenfected, disenfranchised people in minority ethnic communities'. I have no idea what that means but it sure sounds good.

The age old roti salon (chappati and curry) events are not what they used to be. We're a dying breed my dearest friends but we won't go down without a fight.

I have already ensured my legacy will live on by 'training' a whole host of apprentices in the fine art of leading' a community.

If all else fails I have another cunning plan. All I need now is a headscarf, a decent dress and some lipstick and my metamorphosis will be complete.