I got married but am in love with friend (From Asian Image)

I got married but am in love with friend

2:45pm Wednesday 3rd June 2009

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Dear Massi, I have been reading your column since my early teens and I never thought I would one day refer to you for some advice; especially to do with love!

Since I was 18 years old my parents, especially my dad, always drummed into me that marrying a girl from abroad i.e. Pakistan was going to be best for me.

The thing is I probably would not have listened to them had it not been for the experience I had when my elder brother ran away from home to marry the girl of his choice.

I did not see him for nearly two years and even now our relationship has never been the same.

I have two younger sisters and we are really close; like best friends and I did not want to give them the same experience I had as a teen i.e. elder brother ran away and parents on the case all the time.

So I kept myself to myself and stayed away from girls. I concentrated on my studies and worked hard. I did not have any girl friends in this period nor did I meet any one whom I liked.

Since the age of 18 my parents kept pestering me to go abroad and get married and each time I kept delaying them blaming my studies.

Finally at the age of 25 last year I myself felt that I was getting at the stage where I should get married and "settle down".

But in September of last year a girl aged 18 contacted me by error or whatever on the phone and we got chatting and then got to know each other and before I knew it I started developing feelings for this girl even though I have never met her!

I told her about 4 weeks into our chatting that I was due to get married to someone from abroad and she tried to persuade me to tell my parents about her.

The thing is I could not tell my parents about a girl whom I had never met; they would laugh in my face. I tried to explain this to the girl but she just kept putting it off.

Anyway soon time rolled on and before I knew it my parents said the time is right to get married so this year I went abroad to get married.

Now whilst I was there I still kept in touch with this girl and she started to realise that I was getting married for real and she was very upset.

I realised that I had to speak up otherwise I might make a wrong decision so I told my mum about her and also my sisters.

They were shocked to know that I had met someone! But my mum said that I had left things too late; they had already arranged my marriage with a cousin and there would be a fallout.

My sisters also advised me to get married due to family reasons.

So I ended up getting married and what a reality check.

The things parents tell you that girls are angels from there; I don't think so. My wife has an attitude problem and plays mind games with me at times thinking I must be stupid or something.

I came back in March (my wife is still there waiting for me to call her over) and since the day I landed the girl has contacted me every single day and sometimes we talk for hours.

We get on so well and I have realised that I am in love with her now.

The thing is I am married now and also I am 25 whilst she is 18. I have talked to her about it and she says she is willing to marry me even though I am already married because she loves me as well.

She also says to me that she has told her parents about me but I don't know.

The thing is I have not yet seen her to this day as all our conversations are on the phone and she has gone abroad with her parents and won’t be back until June.

I don't know what to do. I know that I can manage both of them financially but mentally I am unprepared as I do not want to leave my first wife as well.

Also it is her age as she is 18 and I am 25 I fear that she is still growing up and even though she loves me the reality is that she has a lot to see and learn. I have tried explaining the facts to her, things like she may not like my looks and she says she doesn’t care, then I say to her I’m already married and she say’s that I can marry her according to our religion.

Whatever I bring up she always has a valid reason. What do you think?.

Massi Says, I am going to be very harsh with you; you have made your choices now you need to see them through.

You had your chance to take things further with the girl in this country and you chose to go back home and get married. I think on some level you must have been unsure of this girl which is why you have chosen to go with what is familiar i.e. marrying a ‘good girl’ from back home.

You have not even met her which is very telling. What if you are repulsed by the sight of her or she is of you?

The most important thing is you are now married and for all intents and purposes any relationship you pursue with the girl in this country would amount to being unfaithful to your wife.

If she has gone abroad with her parents chances are she may also be getting married so that will offer a solution to the issue.

You mention being able to support two wives, firstly no matter what any woman tells you she will never be willing to share her husband’s love with another.

Secondly your religion says that in order to have more than one wife you need to treat them both with equality, how will you do this when you will not love one of them? It is selfish of you to think like this and aside from the above, bigamy is illegal in the UK!!

You have already made your choice by marrying this girl in Pakistan and if you dump her now you will have ruined her life.

You should have thought about his long and hard before you married. You married her and now it is your duty to try to make this work and if it doesn’t work after this then you can rethink it but you cannot go off and marry one person and still be in an extra marital relationship with someone else.

Its not fair and you are cheating everyone concerned.

I know I am being hard on you but you cannot have your cake and eat it! You need to make some difficult choices.

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