10:23am Sunday 10th February 2008
By Massi
Dear Massi, I have a serious problem.I have been with this guy for over 3 years.
I am a 26 year old sikh girl. He had never been in a relationship before because he knew that his parents would not approve.
Yet, when he met me, he said that we would see how things went and that he really enjoyed being with me and that he would figure out a way to make things work.
I had always wanted him to tell his parents about me soone than later so that I would not risk being hurt in the end if things did not work out.
I did not want to be in a relationship for this long, as I wanted to get married after 1.5 years and not drag things along.
His family found out about me, and he had told them that we had broken up, and we continued to see each other. He figured that the longer we were together, the less likely his parents would say no to me. For some reason, they did not like me to begin with (even though we share the same religious backgrounds etc).
Yet, many times when him and I were together, his parents would constantly be phoning him to ensure that he came home. He often left me for them, and I had the feeling that he would do the same when the time came for marriage.
I did not want to be in a secret relationship.yet I sacrificed this for his sake and believed in him to do the right thing by me. I do believe that he sacrificed a lot for me at timesgetting in trouble from his parents, being yelled at and feeling guilty.
So I gave him more and more love and became the brint of his anger and frustrations many times. Because he was unable to express himself with his family, I figured that I was strong enough to endure it. However, in hindsight, this was not a good choice for me.
I used to be a very confident, secure person. My dad passed away 5 years ago, and he was supposed to take care of my marriage. Now I have to find someone on my own (as my family has expressed to me), so I ventured and started to date.
My boyfriend and I always spoke about future plans together, yet I always felt that he held back because of his family.
I just believed that in the end we would be together. He finally told his parents about me, and they said "no" to even meeting me.
He told me that every time he brings up my name, they get angry and will not listen to him. He has finally told me that he cannot make his family miseable and will not leave them.
I have told him that he will be a puppet to them for the rest of his life and that if he does not stand up to them nowhe will never be able to. He realizes that his parents care about their own happiness before his, yet he says he cannot change their minds.
I believe that he canhe just chooses not to because he is too insecure. I tried to give him security and happiness. He says that he cannot see himself with anyone else, and that he cares about me more than anyone.
Yet, I find that difficult to believe at this time. I contemplate telling my mama Ji about him, so that he can speak with his dad, but I do not want any insult done to my family should it not go well.
I contemplate going to his sister and telling her that I am sorry for causing grief to her family, and that was never my intentionthat all me and her brother did was care for one another and trust that his family would love him enough to see his happiness.
Yet I feel that he is just a pawn to them, just someone to control. I feel badly because he is such a nice person, and that he deserves his own happiness. And now, in the end, I am suffering, and am lost, angry with him for not being strong enough and heartbroken.
I do not see what is wrong with me for his family to disagree with me so much. I am a great person, I have a government job, have a good education, have very strong morals and values, and have a great personality.
I have even expressed to him that I would take care of his family tooas much as I have taken care of him. Yet, nothing seems to be enough. His parents even arranged for him to meet a girlbut he said no to meeting her.
I cannot stomach him being with someone else, and his parents are saying they will take him to India. Even his sister went to one of my friends and asked him to find a girl for her brother, otherwise he would have to go to india.I feel stupid for investing in a person who cannot even stick up for himself, let alone me.
Yet at the same time, I feel that I will not be able to meet someone with similar qualities, and interests as him and I shared.
Sometimes I feel as though he used mebut I do not know what for (I never slept with him in 3 yearsand nor has he been with anyonewe were waiting until we got married). Now I don't know where I can find someone like that again or if he will even come back to me as I am hoping he will. Is it a lost cause? What should I do?
Lost and confused.
Canada It seems like you have travelled down a long and hard road which doesn't have a happy ending which ever way you turn.
I personally don't think you could have done anything more in this relationship, you have supported him which ever decision he has made in the past including when those decisions have caused you pain.
I think you realise that you have come to a crossroads where you have to make a decision instead of expecting him to do it. Being Asian I understand how important families are in your life (I couldn't imagine not being in touch with mine) I get the feeling he won't be able to make the break from his family. However people surprise you so you have to try at the very least.
He has stood up to his parents and refused to see the girl from India which to me shows he does love you.
But now he needs to make a decision and stop standing in no man's land.
He needs to understand parents refusing to accept their son's choice of wife is not the end of the world-if they won't accept it at the start eventually they won't have a choice because you two come as a package.
My advice would be to tell him he has to make a decision within a given him a time frame (say a week). Explain to him the consequences of the decision if he refuses that you will be over because you can't continue in a relationship which has no future.
I don't know if speaking to his family will make any difference-that's something you have to decide depending on what effect you think it will have-might it make it harder for you to be together?
You seem to understand what makes a relationship work so I wouldn't worry about not being able to find anyone else. You are only 26 and he is the first guy you have been serious with so next time it won't be as hard finding someone you can connect with.
If he chooses his family all I can say it is his loss and he has let something wonderful get away.
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