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Why did he marry me?

3:48pm Thursday 24th January 2008

comment Comments (10)   Have your say »


Dear Massi, I have only been in this country for over a year now.

I got married to my husband in Pakistan and things were going really well. The marriage was arranged and we both met each other and spent time with one another before we were married.

I adore his family and I think they like me.

But the past month has been hell. I have started to suspect that he only married me because his family made him. I have sensed after talking to some people that he was going out with someone before and has started seeing this other woman again.

I think that men from here think that all women from abroad are good for nothing but taking care of their families. They also think we are stupid and don't know how to use mobile phones, read credt card statements or use the internet.

I tried my best to be a good wife and this is how he treats me.

If he wanted to get married to this other girl then why did he wed me?

His family will obviously take his side when everything comes out and then where will I go?

I am confused and don't know where else to turn. I feel like killing myself.

Massi Says, You need to speak to your husband in a calm manner, and tell him how you feel and also tell him what you suspect is going on.

It might be all innocent and maybe there is another explanation to things.

But you have to be honest about these things both with him and his family.

He needs to know that his actions are hurting you. Speak to his parents and explain the situation to them.

You say you get on well with them. They may be more sympathetic than you think.

You have to understand that this is not your fault and although you might feel down and confused with things there are people who can help you through this.

If it turns out that he is also with another woman the decision to stay with him or leave is yours and no-one else's.

First and foremost though you need to find out the truth and put things in the clear because at the moment this mental torture must be unbearable.

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suzie, blackburn says...
9:54pm Thu 24 Jan 08

Confront the evil guy, tell him what you thinks going on and maybe tell his parents too and he changes for the better. Find out who the gal is maybe shes marid too and and get her fellow involved too and get to the bottom of this.

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*sister*, Leeds says...
1:04am Wed 30 Jan 08

Harry, the comment by you was sick, she is your sister in Islam and you should do dua for her, would you like it if a guy spoke to your sister like that? if you have nothing helpful to say the keep your hands away from the keyboard.

Sis, hope everything goes ok for you, speak to your shayk and they will give you something to recite which will hopefully make things easy for you, remember Allah tests his loved ones, he could stop those who have gone astray but he wants to see how far they will go with the bad deeds.

Have faith in Allah, everything will be ok.

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saba, manchester says...
11:57am Thu 31 Jan 08

This situation happens to alot of girls from back home. The guys get forced to get married and they do it for their families and still think that they can do what they wany outside cos they have someone to stay at home waiting for them. Its the harsh reality.

Personally if i was in ur situation i would try to be a little more outgoing and basically be the way the girls he seems to go for, which is probably outgoing, confident, fashionable. someone he wouldnt mind being seen out with. It all depends on how much u want it all to work.

I wish u all the best, but instead of thinking of the worst think about what u can do to get his attention, physically and mentally and inshAllah eventually he will closer to u

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curls, Manchester says...
12:16am Sat 9 Feb 08

Saba I know what your trying to say but why should she change to gain his approval? She shouldn't have to work for his attention like hes some sort of god. If your unable to get out of the relationship for whatever reason I'd just let him do his own thing and take a passive attitude to it. I know its hard but men find it more appealing when you don't really care what they think or what they're doing. But obviously if hes not treating you right or making you happy and it can't be sorted out if its possible for you to leave, go for it.

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Chaz76, Manchester says...
10:37am Wed 13 Feb 08

This is a sad story being repeated again and again across the UK. Parents are to blame for not listening to their son's choice for marriage. The woman must raise the issue with the boy and then the boy's family if nothing is done. If nothing happens and there are no children yet, make a clean break. You should have full UK residency rights. Your English is very good, get studying and working and find yourself a man who will love and honour you.

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S, says...
7:29pm Mon 3 Mar 08

hey sister. i might not have much experience but one thing is for sure that killing yourself is not the answer. sit down and talk to him. understand each other by listening to what he says and him understanding you. may Allah keep you both happy. and may you get happiness in life AMEEN

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jas, 773-714 says...
2:18am Sat 17 May 08

Hi.. What an interesting debate. Has anyone mentioned the other woman. Probably not. I was involved with someone and we back recently and got married. All in all, my world has turned upside down. Yes we were diff religions and he was also from back home and not here. It took 3 intense years to figure out that i have fallen in love with him. Why he got married, i still cant understand but yes that his choice. Family can only put pressure to some extent. They cant put a gun to ur head and drag u there. One thing for sure, whoever u r, whatever religion and back ground, always have respect for urself. I loved him so much and its so hard to accept that he has married a stranger. She wont understand my pain and i probably wont understand hers. However ethics dictate that if a man married u in the first place, he will always come back home to you. Dont know if this helps but being from the otherside i can tell u, that its just as pain ful and depressing. Hope all works out well for you. x jas

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imran, oldham says...
4:26pm Wed 25 Jun 08

VISA - thats why he married you ! everyone loves ENGLAND !

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jas, 861-524 says...
1:57am Thu 26 Jun 08

Imran, no one mentioned marriage, i was seeing him for 4 years. Also he had already married an english gal and few years lkater divorced her. i would love to reassure u that he is not in the uk cos of mem so please do not lose any sleep over this. It would help if u read the response properly. anyway fella, take care and wngland aint all that,,,,,,,,,,im sure there are other places but for some reasons the frshies love it here.........maybe u can tell me why? take care.. jas

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henna, West Mids says...
11:24pm Mon 8 Dec 08

There is a lot of pressure from parents and family to marry abroad. They cannot put a gun to their heads, but emotional blackmail, religon comes into it. We are preserving the culture of back home is a lame excuse, if you look at abroad, the girls and guys are more open and have moved on. We live in our parents era.
Why do women think of killing themselves: make a stand, make a life, and move on if there is nothing in the relationship after exploring all possibilities of reconnection.
This day and age, there is nothingyou have done that you should feel ashamed. stand up to oppression.

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