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I want to leave my husband

5:17pm Wednesday 12th December 2007

comment Comments (8)   Have your say »


Dear Massi, When I turned 16 my parents took me to Pakistan and got me married to my cousin.

Now I am 22 years old, my husband is here living with me but there is something wrong.

I have no feelings for my husband I don't even love him. I am trying to make this relationship work for my parents sake or shall I say for izzat.

There was this guy I liked a lot and we even wanted to get married but I never mentioned him to my parents because I was afraid of what my parents will actually do.

I think about him every day and I certainly know he still loves me. I have not seen him for three years.

The worse thing is - at that time I was already married but he never knew. I never told anyone.

I have tried making my marriage life work but nothing changes I end up back in the same place so it's useless.

Also divorce is forbidden in my family. It is totally not allowed. I wish I had married the guy that I had loved. I want him to be happy who ever he is with, because I will always love him. What shall I do?

MASSI SAYS, There are two separate issues here and you musn't confuse the two.

The first is your marriage which you are unhappy in so you need to do something about it because only you can live your life.

The second is probably a symptom of your unhappy marriage because if you were in love with your husband you would not have looked elsewhere.

I don't think you should blame your husband. If you were in love with someone else then you should not have got married regardless of how much pressure there was from your family.

The other man is obviously someone you care about but you need to sort out your marriage before you look at anyone else.

Divorce may not be acceptable in your family but it is acceptable in Islam. It is something you can consider but only if you are sure you do not love or have any feelings for your husband.

At the end of the day your parents cannot live your life for you and if three years have been hard, imagine what another thirty will be like. We all owe it to ourselves to, at the very least, try and be happy.

Also, bear in mind your ex may have moved on and have a life of his own. He may be married himself or with someone else.

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mohammed arshad, nelson says...
2:04pm Mon 31 Dec 07

another case of 'izzat' being used to co-erce young people. young lady you cant change your football team , but you CAN change your husband.!

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Roxy, says...
10:25am Fri 11 Jan 08

izzat is not being forceful upon ur loved ones but is loving and respecting them.
unless you take a stand to help yourself out of this situation im afraid no one else can. there is so much help out there it only needs to be sought by you. butu need to make the first step. no one deserves to live an unhappy life, when your family realise that it isnt working they will eventually come round.
as for this other guy, i think sorting out your marriage situation is alot more important dont you think? if things are ment to be with him they will in time.

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annonymus, says...
6:03pm Sun 13 Jan 08

thats what i dont get....why do parents take there daughters to pakistan at the age of 16 and get them married...i think it just ruins there lifes...i aint being racist cuz im a pakistani myself...im expected to get married to whoever my parents say...but i dont want that....i wanna find true love but that aint acceptable....

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Roxy, says...
1:32pm Mon 14 Jan 08

annonymus wrote:
thats what i dont get....why do parents take there daughters to pakistan at the age of 16 and get them married...i think it just ruins there lifes...i aint being racist cuz im a pakistani myself...im expected to get married to whoever my parents say...but i dont want that....i wanna find true love but that aint acceptable....
best advice i can give is talk to ur parents no matter how hard it may seem. its easy to try to do the right thing and get married for your parents sake but realistically if you have nothing in common its going to be a long lonely life. dont be bullied into anything.
but then again maybe ur true love is the person ur parents find u....dont rule it out meet who they want you to marry just make sure they understand if u say no then its a no!
parents arrange their childrens marriage because they think they are doing their best by u, they may get it wrong but then again they are human n can make mistakes thats y communication is important!

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Raheemah, blackburn says...
1:57pm Wed 13 Feb 08

leve him il tke im dtl be da best ting

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maz, burnley says...
12:58pm Sun 24 Feb 08

wat kinda life is this girl gona have pleasing her parents wen she is unhappy & just goin along with their say so? parents are in the wrong wen they marry their daughters off at such a young vunerable age of 16, it should not be allowed, i believe marrying girls at this young age damages them emotionally especially if the girl is not happy & just marrying for the 'sake of her parents', these are PARENTS we are talkin about who should be putting their child's health & happiness before anyone or anything but no they throw u into a sham of a marriage, this is a big problem as young girls have either taken their own lives or are trying to, it happened to my cousin she tried to end her life but thank god she survived but it makes me angry to hear young girls afraid of losing the 'izzat' for their parents, wher is the respect from parents towards their young daughters?? they should let them live their lives a little go to uni have a career or even travel the world, it is not essential that u only must visit ur homeland

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zarina, west yorkshire says...
11:09pm Mon 5 May 08

I think there should be a stop to these emotional blackmailed marriages. I mean girls be too afraid to say no to a forced or arranged marriage when they are so young. But as your situation now that you are understanding life and more muture you are realising that this is not what you want. I do symphtise with you bu trust me you are not doing yourself or your husband any favours. you need to decide exactly what you want. i have been in that situation.

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henna, West Mids says...
11:49pm Mon 8 Dec 08

There are loads of young 16 year olds forced into marriage. Are they mature enough to know what a marriage is, to raise children and hol a job.
I think an education is a must for any young person, male or female, then a job and then when they are mature enough marriage.
Think that you are talking about izzat, but in the long run, how many divorces are happening. If there is love and support from the person you fall in love and then go for it. Tell your parents you are too young to marry. There is a lot of emotional scarring to the young girls. When they are in trouble, then these vary parents ignore and tell them to carry on - they did. Things have changed, we have evolved. Sisters start thinking ahead and not backwards.

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