Eater

For those not sure of how to eat properly at an Asian wedding let me explain a few things.
To set the scene - fidget constantly in your seat and act as if you haven’t seen food for a month. Proceed to pick your nose and flick the bogey across the table. Clean your ears with the napkin and ask for a new napkin six or seven times.
Pour the chutney on to your plate in readiness for the chicken pieces. It saves so much time.
When the starters do finally arrive don’t take one bhotee (chicken piece) at a time but put eight on your plate. You might also want to pick up other pieces of kebab inspect them and put them back. This must be done with the very hand people have just seen you scratch your nether region with.
Once you have eaten your bhotees then discard them in the middle of the table. Oh, what the hell why not just chuck them on the floor.
The most infuriating thing you can do at this point, is pour yourself some cola from the new bottle with your hands full of chutney, chicken sauce or biryani. The next user will get one hell of a shock.
In fact, I go one further and wipe my hands on to the seat and even on the back of the person sat next to me. As the rice arrives pick all the bhotees out one by one and leave only the rice for the next guest. When the salan (curry) is served you must make sure you hog the pot for as long as possible. Again dispose of all bones in the middle of the table or on someone else’s plate.
Eating rotee (chappati) is an art. Pick a bunch up and place them near your plate. Take time in breaking them half and then do that ONE thing only the legend eaters do - if curry is dripping from your mouth on to your chin wipe it clean with the chappati piece and continue as if nothing has happened.
If you happen to be a ‘woman’ force feed your kids. Take two bites out of bhotee and dispose of it. It is free so it must be wasted.
Whilst eating one must make that ‘slapping sound’ with your mouth. You all know what I’m talking about…it is like a fish being gently patted on a wet surface.
Talk during the whole process and every so often stare at the plate of the persons sat next to you. Let them know you’re the boss.
At no time are you to suggest there is enough food on the table even if there is.
Before leaving make sure that you have tasted a little bit of everything and made a huge mess.
Only then my Last Bit readers...can you be truly classed as an ‘Eater’.