There comes a time in a person’s life when he realises that money does not make the world go round.

But then Eid comes along.

When I was a young lad we were happy taking 50 pence off someone for Eid. With that money I could purchase a bag of crisps and some chocolates.

I never asked a single person for Eid money. It was handed over. It was far too rude to ask.

There were moments when they handed the money over and your parents took it. For the next four days you were trying to figure out where that money went?

Then it happened - we all kind of got greedy. The Asian inside us took over.

Unfortunately, the minimum you can give anyone now is a cool £5. Some show-offs have decided to up the stakes in recent years and hand over tenners.

We are in a recession but not when it comes to Eid money. The chancellor doesn’t put this in his budget but there is no doubt that the circulation of Eid money is on par with the Bank of England doing some of that ‘quantative easing’.

You go to someone’s house and the fellow hands over £5 to your kid.

You then have to give £5 back to their kid. But it can’t be the same £5 because that would be baystee. So you secretly pretend to pull a different fiver out.

What happens if they have four kids and you have one? I got myself into this mess once. He handed over a fiver and I got shafted for £20. I never went to his house again on Eid. Funnily enough he loves to pop round mine every year.

Another year I hand over £10. Later I got told, ‘I’m sorry we don’t do the money thing on Eid.’ These uperclass twits were taking us all for a ride. Well then, f*** *** I exclaimed can I have that tenner back?

It’s a profit making scam I tell you pure and simple.

The worst moment comes when the family won’t accept the money at all. And there is this Mexican stand-off but with shalwaar kameez's on.

The kid in the middle is secretly urging his mum to shut-up and accept the money.

And at what age are you allowed to say ‘no’. When they turn 16? When they get a job? When they get married?

Answers on a postcard please because last year the fellow had a bigger beard than me and took £20 off me 'cause I'm his cha cha'.