The Story

And so the stories began... My son he is not a drinker. He was walking home late one night and some locals gripped him and poured alcohol down his throat.

That explains a lot. For a while everyone was on guard for those b****** who pour alcohol down your gob.

There was the wonderful tale about how the daughter-in-law was not at all depressed but simply possessed by the evil spirit of Charlotte Street. It all made sense somehow. How could we have been so stupid to think otherwise?

But it didn’t stop there. The ladies were fantastic at making complete nonsense up to ensure the family name was never dragged through the dirt. It was easy enough there was a simple explanation to every one of life’s mysteries.

‘My son has gone to India for a couple of months.’ = ‘He’s doing 18 months for fraud'.

My son has gone to Pakistan for a couple of months.’ = ‘He’s doing 18 months for a violent assault’.

'He’s not getting married just yet, we are waiting for the right girl’ = ‘He may be gay but we can’t be sure’.

‘She doesn’t want to get married just yet.’ = ‘She is going out with someone'.

‘She went abroad of her own accord.’ = ‘We shipped her back because she got clever’.

‘He buys and sells stuff’ = ‘He’s up to something dodgy but we ain’t saying nothing as long he brings the money in'.

‘The rishta wasn’t suitable for us.’ = ‘They thought my our boy looked like a monkey'.

‘The rishta wasn’t suitable for us.’ = ‘She was too dark'.

‘She makes such lovely rotee (chapatti)’ = ‘She can’t boil an andah'.

‘He’s opening up his own business.’ = ‘He’s taking over the shop'.

‘We don’t do bank accounts they are haram’ = ‘We’ve got bad credit’.

‘We sold the car because we got a good deal.’ = ‘My husband lost £3,000 at the casino’.

‘She is just his work friend.’ = ‘It’s his bit on the side'.

‘He’s just his work friend.’ = ‘It’s his bit on the side'.

‘She’s got a new job in London.’ = ‘She’s done one with the neighbour'.

‘He got a pass in all his GCSE’s’ = ‘He got a grade G and above so we’ll class it as a pass'.

‘She didn’t want to go to University’ = ‘We told her if she went we would chop her legs off'.

And our all -time favourite, “We’re taking him abroad to see his nanee who is ill” ...” which meant “One way or another that boy of ours is getting hitched to his motee cousin and if he refuses all hell is going break loose.’

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