Clean Wipe (From Asian Image)

Clean Wipe

3:37pm Friday 15th October 2010 in Last Bit By The Last Bit

You can take the man out of the Pind (village) but you can’t take the pind out of the man.

There was a time when when doing some things was a little shameful and cheap.

However, after years of research, mostly at the taxpayers expense, I have decided we must continue these traditions. For if we stop them we will become devoid of any personality or meaning.

First things first - Don’t use tissue when you blow your nose. I haven’t used that blasted tissue for years.

I would rather tilt my head to one side and use my two fingers and thumb to remove all the excess stuff from my nose. It is an art very few have mastered.

Only very rarely was I ever lucky enough to see the ‘Clean Wipe’. Those fellows may have been old but they were wonderful to watch. They didn’t even break stride when they did it.

Try to keep the shalwaar kameez clean but if you get the odd Salon (curry) mark - let it be. Come on, it is only a little stain there are far bigger things in life to worry about. Like body odour.

Hey, I know the sharabees (drunks) stink but some of you brothers really need to carry a Lynx bullet with you. And when I say brothers I mean sisters too.

I am not being cruel but ladies, ladies, ladies, there is only so much samosa pakora, talcum powder smell one can take. Standing in a queue at Tesco’s can be torture sometimes.

Even the ladies of yesteryear never came across like that and they stopped every 15 yards to pick-up cow dung.

And to all of you young women - there is a thing as ‘too much perfume’.

Can we make sure that the milk bottle returns to the bathroom. I am sick and tired of the lota - although it makes life easier - the milk bottle makes us who we are.

When you go to visit someone’s house - turn up unannounced. What the hell is it with everyone phoning ahead and feeling ‘sightly embarrassed’. Turn up on the ******** door like they did before you.

Only then will anyone rank amongst the greats - who had a banquet ready for fifty - 24 hours a day!

And what on earth happened to our homes? As soon as we got some money we all became stylish and posh.

Where is the bed in the front room? Where is the fridge in the living room? Where are the homemade duvets and pillows? Where is the stand alone ashtray?

And finally what ever happened to that that thing made out of a coat hanger that you flipped chappatis with?