Most of us are addicted to meat. If there isn’t ghosht (lamb) in the house then we might as well curl up and die.

The point is, it wasn’t always like this. We only used to get one chicken dish a week and some ghosht every fortnight. But like most things we Asians became greedy. We got used to the good life and the ghosht soon took over.

In the village one would only serve the dish at special occasions or to close relatives. But the village is no longer here my friends.

The village life is for those scums who didn’t make it over. We are the chosen ones and we shall revel in this new found ‘Ghoshtdom’.

Women are obsessed with cooking meat and we men can’t get enough of it. Even if you can’t afford the meat we will make sure we have it in the house just in case.

Visit someone’s house for dinner and if they haven’t got meat on the menu we feel as if we have been cheated. ‘Oh brother, don’t serve me this posh salad, I want the ghosht. Bring it now otherwise I will take the **** out of you for the next 10 years of your life. I will demean you at every wedding, funeral and community meeting. People will think you are the poor, sick man who has no ghosht in his house.’ Sometimes the host will have a vegetarian dish which all of us will ignore.

The big meat eaters sit there and slowly pick at the flesh, leaving mountains of bones on the floor. They then proceed to wipe their mouths on their sleeves and their hands on your new beige carpet.

On the bone, off the bone – it does not matter. We want the chicken served in bowls and complimented by other types of meat. Burgers, kebabs, meat samosas, kobedas– we line them up and devour them like the kings and queens of some great empire.

Meals are not meals anymore – they are banquets. Our women are the maids who rush around every day trying to find more meat to serves their families.

We talk and boast of how we wish to feed the hungry but going a day without our blessed ghosht is like some crime. As the great choudrhy meat eater of Brierfield once said, ‘My ghosht, your ghosht, our ghosht...just feed me the damn ghosht, love.’