Squatter

The hole in the ground toilet really did separate the men from the boys.

If you wanted to be the big daddy then you had to be able to use a squat toilet.

I first saw a squat toilet in my local mosque. For a few moments I stood there thinking about what to do. How does one do the business without the business doing you?

The problem with this contraption was that it was open to real abuse. For instance some heavyweights didn’t respect it the same way they would a normal toilet.

It was like they didn’t care where they unloaded. It got pretty dirty. So dirty that sometimes you stepped into the cubicle and felt sick at the sight before you.

How on earth did you get that there?

The big boned fellows found it very difficult to balance. I heard of one man who refused to sit in the squat position and decided to do things standing up. It wasn’t easy but he says he managed it.

He has never spoken of it since.

Another time a guy fell into the hole and we had to rescue him.

You also had problems with people getting all their clothes wet whilst trying to stay upright.

I think the most demoralising thing ever was having someone waiting outside the cubicle waiting to use it whilst you were in full flow.

You wanted to hurry but you couldn’t. Squat don’t let you hurry.

The most annoying thing ever was finding that your nara had completely come out of your shalwar as you were sat. The horror and the shame was unbearable.

In recent years, the big problem is trying to tweet and tattee at the same time.

If you can do that then you can do anything, my son.