I am going for a little walk. And I would love it if you didn’t perv at me.

I’m sorry I had to say it like that but these days, unless one begins a sentence with ‘Tere Bebe…’ no-one seems to listen.

This month the Last Bit has gone on holiday and left me - a woman - in charge…and I want to go for a walk.

The problem is..it is hard. It is so damn hard. You can’t go for a walk because everyone is just so nosey. You walk down the street and drivers will just stare at you.

It isn’t a normal stare either – it is that special ‘Asian stare’. You know the one…where he stares longer because you stared back at him.

Even if you don’t glance at him he still continues to stare, like you are some sort of freak.

I hate people who say...‘How do you know he was looking if you weren’t looking yourself?’ ‘Because I could sense the b****** pervert turning his head twenty times and slowing his vehicle down for no apparent reason.’ The worse thing you can ever do is wear jogging bottoms and then go for a walk.

All of a sudden word goes round that so and so’s sister was seen on the main road with jogging bottoms on.

Soon enough text messages are flying around about how this woman was seen with her friends ‘jogging’. ‘Betee, it is not nice to go for a walk with a kit on.’ ‘Yes, mum I will try to be as discreet as possible and cover myself fully but it’s not my fault ever second Asian driver is a perverted SOB.’ Their own son will be biggest drug dealer in town but the shame of seeing this woman with jogging bottoms on!.

The sheer hypocrisy of it all astounds me. One minute he says you are ‘motee maj’ (fat cow) and next he makes a big deal when you go out for a walk.

But we are our own worst enemies I know. If we can’t be bothered going for a walk and getting some exercise we will make sure no other Asian woman on the planet is allowed to either.

Heaven forbid my darlings if you actually decide to jog in those jogging bottoms.

You might as well plaster ‘slapper’ on the front of your head.

An Asian woman jogging in the street is as common as an Asian man sitting in the back seat of the car whilst his wife drives...ladies it ain’t happening.