Marriage therapy for the Asian man (From Asian Image)

Marriage therapy for the Asian man

12:04pm Friday 27th May 2011 in Columnists By Amber Ali

Therapy for Asian men- a paradox? A fictional idea? Or perhaps more aptly, a laughable concept.

One may argue that the tone of my introduction has a cynical element to it, but I lean towards the argument that it is a more realistic viewpoint. And when one is realistic they are less likely to be disappointed.

Marriage counselling is something that we have all heard of, whether via friends, media or movies-let me hastily point out that this is NOT a genre explored to date by the ostentatious filmmakers in Bollywood or Lollywood.

Perhaps Gurinder Chada, our very own national mediator between the Asian and English audience can explore this concept in future.

To reiterate, counselling does not remain an alien notion, yet can it be applicable in the spectrum of an Asian marriage?

Let’s face it, how many Asian men in the real world could be lured by their wives to something as fanciful and ideological as couples therapy?

Surely the epitome of every Asian marriage, whether arranged or otherwise, lies in the wife’s ability to compromise and adjust after marriage.

Even if one was not so close minded as to attend, we can be assured of his ultimate discretion when around his peers.

Surely this would contradict the Asian Mans Sacred Doctrine. Before I hear an outcry of indignant Asian male modern types, let me clarify, not all of you fit into this category. Just the bulk of you.

Allow me to propose to you a hypothetical scenario in a counselling session: Asian Wife: ‘My husband expects me to cook him dinner every day and does not even get up to put his plate away when he has finished. He takes me for granted.’ Asian Husband: ‘I work all day. All I need at the end of the day is a good meal. Is that too much to ask? She is making a big deal over nothing.’ Therapist: ‘But if you can see that this bothers your wife whom you claim to love, then would you not offer to help her in order to diffuse this apparently ‘trivial’ situation?’ Asian Husband: ‘This is the way it is in our culture. My father was the same, my brothers are the same. She has been doing this for the last 10 years. It is her fault I am accustomed to this. Why should I change now?’ Why indeed? Those that hold such a tenacious and unyielding attitude cannot comprehend the major flaw in their approach .

This seemingly trifling argument does serve to expose the complacency Asian men hold towards their wives and their assertion of ownership.

That having assumed the role of the breadwinner, they are then by default honoured with this courtesy amongst many others. And quite frankly, Asian women are not surprised or shocked by the demands placed on them and therefore concede quite easily, after all, our mothers did that and so much more.

But let me verify, the only type of English man that avails of this kind of elevated treatment is one that has purchased his bride from overseas.

The reason I highlight the cultural divide in such a forceful way is because after 6 weeks of gruelling marriage counselling before the ultimate demise of my own marriage (we were so far gone that even the benefits of therapy were ineffective), my ex husband was rather injured and indignant at the fact that the counsellor (an English woman) sided with me on certain issues when they referred to a domestic nature.

More directly when it came to participation (well ‘lack of’ in this particular case) in his role in the family.

Ironically, after the session I was berated and told that somehow I had manipulated the counsellor.

A slightly narcissistic approach? Even if I were egotistical enough to dissect my own intellect, I can clarify without a doubt that a neutral counsellor practising for 15 years is not blind to facts presented before her.

Would therapy work in the arena of an Asian couple? In the sessions you are expected to open up and discuss your inner feelings and emotions, the quintessence of any relationship.

Well, unless the wife’s views coincide with the regal ones’ of their superior husbands, it is an attempt rendered futile.

Therapy demands that one is open minded enough to acknowledge that change is required and to embody transition, rather than remaining stoically obstinate due to learnt behaviour.

Although our women do concede to the incessant and basic demands made of us by our husbands, (ones ironically that we teach our own sons very consciously to never emulate), one cannot deny that resentment builds up very gradually and in a subliminal manner where the woman herself is not quite sure what it is that is niggling away at the back of her mind.

I was told rather coherently, ‘If my food is not served to me on my tray, I won’t eat it.’ Charming.

Because I am on par with the servants that our grandparents would have been accustomed to in their own land?

And so you comprehend how resentment quickly transcends into bitterness. And you’re left with an unhappy wife who simply tolerates and endures.

He may well be ‘the man’, with his dutiful wife at his beck and call, but truthfully, do you want your life partner to resent you deep down, all for the sake of asserting outdated chauvinism?

Men who are inclined this way, beware. Your wives may well be demonstrating the dutiful persona that you so want to see, but if you don’t look close enough with a meticulous eye for the emotional well being of your spouse, you may find that she is being broken down slowly.

Counselling should not be undermined nor dismissed, or else you may find your complacency has left you bankrupt of marital bliss and a wife who really cares.