'In our culture, men who live with their in-laws are seen as failures'

For some people, living with the in-laws can be a daily battle where there really are no winners.

A young mother of two spoke of the incessant clashes she encountered when living with her husband’s family.

Sadia said, “I found it really tough living with my in-laws. There were two brothers there with their wives and their children. There were so many issues. My kids would sleep early while their cousins would still be running around playing and screaming.

“Their kids would come in eating ice cream while my kids were eating dinner. Then my kids wouldn’t want to eat their food.

“There was constant fighting over toys.

“The other issue was that my mother-in-law wouldn’t let me buy anything new for my baby. I had to use all the stuff my sister-in-law had bought, from car seats, Moses baskets, even babygro’s and bibs.

“My mother-in-law wouldn’t even let us buy a high chair for the kids. She made us tie a dupatta around them when they were sat on the kitchen chairs.

“You can’t even complain to our husbands because they are such mummy’s boys.

“Once one of my white neighbours admitted that she thought my father-in-law had three wives and assumed I was the youngest one. I was mortified.”

Halima (not her real name) shared her brief experience of living with her in-laws.

“We lived with my husband’s parents for about 18 months. It was awful. We only stayed there so we could save a bit of money.

“I was working full time as well as my husband. My mother-in-law cooked the curry every day, but I was expected to make fresh chappati’s for all of them after work.

“My father-in-law didn’t like it if my husband ever sat next to me at the dining table or even on the sofa.

“My brother-in-law was unemployed that whole time. He used to stay home and watch TV in our bedroom. I only realised one day when I found he had eaten my Lindt chocolate that I had kept in my bedroom and hid the wrappers in the pillow case.

“As if that level of invasion of privacy wasn’t bad enough, my mother-in-law used to go through my stuff. I know this because one day she told me that my underwear was too ‘behooda’ and that I should be wearing more respectable knickers.

“That was when I insisted on having a lock put on our bedroom door.”

It is not always women, however, who move into their in-laws. In some instances, men move into their in-laws homes.

One man spoke to us candidly about how his self-esteem suffered as a result of living with his wife’s family.

“As if my wife’s constant fights with her mum weren’t bad enough, the atmosphere was always tense.

“I was constantly reminded how lucky I am that I am not paying the bills or the mortgage.

“The constant taunts and jibes made me feel inept, like I had failed in life.

“I have a PhD. The trouble was when I moved over from Pakistan, I couldn’t get a job.

“My wife works part time as a makeup artist.

"I have heard her family tell their friends that she works all hours to support me, that marrying their daughter off to an academic was a big mistake, that they should have married her to a businessman.

“When I tell my wife about how I feel, she listens to me, but she can’t say anything to her parents, because, as I am reminded daily, we are living under their roof.

“I eventually started working for my father-in-law in his restaurant, but none of the staff give me any respect because they know I live with my in-laws.

“I have said that I want to move back to Pakistan with my wife, but she refuses to go back.

“I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. If she doesn’t move back with me, I may just go back on my own.

“I don’t feel like a man. In our culture, men who live with their in-laws are seen as failures.”