This week a new report has found that eating too much meat is bad for you. So protein is off the menu. As are carbohydrates apparently.

So no more saalan (curry) and chappati.

What on earth is there left to eat?

Reports say that a diet high in animal protein could increase our chances of dying from cancer or diabetes fourfold.

Can you imagine a desi household where gosht or chicken is not cooked on one given day? Well, mum must either be sick. Or really angry.

And even when we decide to be healthy and go ‘vegetarian’ (that’s always a temporary fad), those vegetables are typically soaked in ghee/oil/masala and cooked for such unnatural periods of time that it just kills any vitamin benefits that were intended to be gained.

We don’t even do fish very well. Even baked salmon or prawns have to be smothered in some element of garam masala/chilli powder concoction.

An elderly relative once told me that muslims were the only ‘qom’ in the world that would eat every part of the animal given the chance.

We’ve just about managed to convince our elders that they don’t need to put sugar in their tea.

But how do we convince them that parathas are not healthy?

And that eating a mango straight after dinner isn’t wise? And that praying five times a day really is not enough exercise.

It’s awfully confusing. Apparently dieting is good. And then it’s not good. One week sugar is bad for you, the next week it’s good. One week ‘fat’ is the enemy, the next it’s beneficial. Next they’ll be telling us cigarettes and coke are good for you.

Perhaps now is a good time to mention the Mister Eaters chippy in Preston, Lancashire, who have created the world’s largest deep-fried Ferrero Rocher with a whopping 25,000 calories.

Perhaps one day common sense will prevail and we might just implement that word called ‘moderation.’